Tired

I'm tired. I've done a lot, well, enough anyway. I'm 59 years old and holding. Of course I'm holding on to 59 because I don't turn 60 for another 9 months. Hmm, 9 months, is that Freudian? I have a wife of over 30 years marriage and an exwife who couldn't handle me for more than 2 1/2 years.

Naturally, the first marriage lasted long enough for me to end up paying child support for one child. Yes, I paid it but in inventive ways. I got letters from the counties involved with the case, but never received a visit or letter from the Deputy. I paid by the contract and that really angered some people including my ex mother-in-law, lol, lol, lol. I did it all legally. That "beach"..., uh, never mind, that's the ancient history that makes me grind my teeth at night.

I said I was tired. (I'm old enough to call all teenagers "Whippersnappers", or "them danged, inconsiderate brats", etc. if I want to. I don't. I like the young bunch. I'd even listen to their music in my house and car with them, no problem.) What makes me tired is the thing that only older folks have experienced. The end of it all. I'm not getting morbid or pitiful I merely mean that I, like most most folks my age or older, are well past middle age. It means that an active adult has made many mistakes and has had many successes, hopefully more of the later than the former. At some point, if a person is physically active, the body still starts to breakdown. I get tired because I get more than one pain at a time. I get the painful thing fixed and find something else is starting the breakdown. You know what I mean. You have heard the comedy routine of a fellow who complains that he has a headache. His buddy wants to know if he can help relieve the headache and the ill partner says, "Yeah, please!". At that point his good buddy stomps the sick friends foot as hard as he can. The headache is forgotten.

The last 5 years I've had various urinary problems. (Sensitive men might want to go watch the TV news at this point) Kidney stones, bladder stones, BPH/Enlarged Prostate, overactive bladder, "E.D." Those stones make a 50 something walk like a 90 something! Your bowels ain't right, you don't pee right, you wake the wife up several times at night for the wrong reasons, you don't walk right. I peed like a leaky coffee cup, a few drops or a small weak stream straight down, sometimes in my lap.

The kidney stones were several years ago. I passed 7 of them. I named them for the 'other' 7 dwarfs, Stumpy, Sleazy, Stuck, SOB, Bent Pipes, Stoned and Doc. Things went well for a while till I developed BPH (look it up). Small pee tube means you don't pee too much at a time. Sex will allow you to experience "reverse ejaculation". That will make your wife look at you and ask, "Are you faking it with ME?" (again, look it up). I told you guys to go watch TV!

The BPH was treated at the doctors office by a procedure known as a TUMT. The 'M' stands for Microwave. They gave me Demarol in the butt cheek, Hydrocodone and Valium by mouth with a B&O (O for synthetic Opium) suppository. I was feeling really fine. In the car on the way to the doctors office I was quite the comedian for my wife, the 30+ year one. The good doctor, having had my pants and underwear removed and my feet placed in the 'stirrups' by the nurses (again, you ladies know what I'm talking about) gently placed/shoved/crammed a tube into my pee tube, then placed another tube into that one. He turned on the machine and commenced to cook the inside of my prostate with microwaves. I've 'burnt' weiners in the kitchen microwave oven and saw the results. I know that later, for about a month I peed out chunks of meat. At first they were soft and large, then what was left inside had become calcified so that it felt like I was pissing pieces of potato chips. During this procedure, in spite of all the drugs, IT HURT!!!!! I was laying there with my pants off and tubes up my uh uh and two nurses watching me and holding my hands to keep me from grabbing anything I shouldn't. The doctor even put a Nitro pill under my tongue. I guess he thought I didn't look too good anymore. Went home and took out my catheter, by doctors orders, by myself three days later soon before the next appointment. It's so easy to do.

Then came the bladder stones. Another story of self torture and tears.

4 weeks ago I got that all fixed. The good doctor . . .

. . .now here I am at 63. I started this a few years ago, obviously. Update? I now know for certain that when you turn 60 years old ALL your body parts turn 60 at the same time. I'm 3 years past that. Prostate is behaving itself after some science fiction surgery. Before my retirement I got a hernia and after I retired I tore up my right Rotator Cuff. I'm still tired but have rested up considerably since I don't have to do what the boss says any longer, oh, wait, I'm married. Forget what I said about bosses in the previous sentence. I've said enough about all that for now.